I am really buggin' me!

Here is what I need to say today. I am really buggin' me.

Where do I start? I feel like I am missing something kinda big in my life. Like if I could just get a handle on it I would be a much better person. Here is the thing. I don't really feel like the choices I make and the things I do are really in alignment with my priorities. Which makes me wonder what my priorities really are.

Before anyone has a heart attack, please don't worry. I am not breaking any laws or commandments, I just feel like I am not doing as good as I should at many things. And yet, what measuring stick am I using? I heard a talk by Sheri Dew recently where she said that she wondered if the "final judgement" would be nearly as hard as we judge ourselves right now. Definitely something to think about, however, back to my problem.

Let's start with the thing everyone, whether they need to or not, seems to worry about... weight. In my case my weight! After Xander was born I got really serious about getting healthy. I started working out 6 days a week and eating what I should be. Because of my hard work, in about 9 months I had lost nearly 50 lbs. I felt great. I looked decent and I was excited. Though my workouts have stayed relatively consistent, my eating has gone to hell in a hen basket. And I mean it is bad. I crave sugar and junk and think of things to spread butter on. It is ridiculous! And all along in my head I know that one of my biggest priorities is healthy eating. I know all the stuff. I know about good carbs and bad carbs, whole grains and refined flour, how many fruits and veggies I should eat, partially hydrogenated everything, corn syrup and heavy corn syrup, super foods, etc. If I took a test about nutrition I could rock it and yet I eat like crap!! Why? What is it? I've never in my life touched a drop of alcohol or experimented with drugs, because I know they are harmful for my body, why can't I seem to apply the same principle to the things I take into my body in the form of food? I have done it before. I know how I feel when I do these things!

Another priority is our finances. We should be in a better financial situation. We are not by any means destitute, nor are we financially independent with a huge savings and our children's education taken care of. Josh has a great job! He works hard and I am so grateful for that! He provides well for us. And he essentially hands the money over to me to take care of bills and spending. I don't think I do a very good job at it. There are times when I feel I buy the wrong things, or buy things we may not need. Why can't I figure this out either? It is a simple concept and yet I don't seem to do it all that well.

My kids are a priority I don't feel I have a handle on either. This summer as I have viewed others' blogs and seen the fun stuff moms have done with their kids I ponder our daily comings and goings and think, "lame! You are a lame mom!" Oh, we have gone to the pool, a couple fun days at Six Flags (intertwining the financial priorities with kid priorities), some movies and such, but Xander still doesn't read, Madi hasn't written a novel and Benson just keeps getting more manly no matter what I do. Of course, my Natalie is in Oregon and Seattle making her own memories and so, I wash my hands of that one until she returns.

Spiritually I am lacking as well. I know that reading my scriptures daily, praying often and attending the temple will bring me closer to Heavenly Father and will ensure the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. These things are probably my biggest priority as I know they will help me work out all the other stuff and yet...they are those that I struggle with the most. Why? Why is the human part of me so much stronger than the spiritual part?

Here is the thing...through it all, all these things I know I need to improve on I have absolute JOY! My life is amazing! I know who I am. I know if I had NOTHING temporal or of earthly or material worth I would still have joy! I am so blessed and that I cannot deny nor would I try! I choose to have joy! I choose to not get discouraged or lose my sense of who I am, a daughter of God, created in His image, with a personal Savior who is Jesus Christ. And because I know this, how could I have anything but Joy, even in my many faults and lack of perfection.

Have Joy my friends. Live your life so that you may have peace and then find Joy in it!!